Bring on 2012

After reflecting on the past year, I see that where I am today is very different from where I expected to be. Our family is in a very different place than it was at the end of 2010, or I suspect, it’s in the same place it’s been for quite some time. We just didn’t know we were there last year. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

2011 has been a struggle against anger, a challenge to forgive. I’m not quite there yet. I try very hard but then the objects of my rage, the ones that I strive to forgive, do some other asinine thing and it sets me off. I’ll get over it – strong feeling set their own pace.

Health has been an issue – my husband’s, my grandson’s, my daughters’, my own. Again, those issues work themselves out in their own time. I must say though, that for the first time in my life I feel old, like there are too many things that I have to do and not enough time left to do the things I want to do. I’ve always considered myself adaptable, able to fly by the seat of my pants, but maybe I need a plan. It’s time to seriously start working on the bucket list!

Good things happened in 2011 and I am grateful. Husband survived a pulmonary embolism and is doing well, daughter survived divorce and is doing fine. I didn’t crash on Deerfoot, my dogs are house-trained (almost) and I am grateful for my wonderful family, terrific friends, good neighbours, and a fine community of writing associates and mentors. The roof over my head and the food in my cupboard are more than 99% of the world can imagine. And I am grateful for the smaller things like losing 15 pounds, health care, online library services, Advil, tulips, laughter, mountains, long drives in the country, shopping in the city, email and Facebook, birds, good hair, good music, good theatre, Good Earth, comfortable shoes, chocolate, and much more.

I feel a little guilty as I look back on 2011, like I don’t appreciate the good things enough, but it’s been a rough year for so many reasons. I want to be around to continue to count my blessings and to tenaciously work on the health and anger issues. I’ve been pushed to the brink this past year, bitten my tongue until it bleeds and been more patient than I ever thought I could be. Those are good things – I’ve learned that the when you reach the brink, the brink moves; that biting your tongue is probably the lesser of two evils, and; patience, combined with counting to ten and taking a few deep breaths, lowers blood pressure.

Cliché as it sounds, I want to dance at my grandchildren’s weddings. I don’t make a written list of resolutions but what better time is there to take stock of assets and liabilities than at the beginning of a new year.  Some things will change and some won’t. I need to write more and worry less, to take a vacation, to speak my mind and to say no more often, to eat healthier and to go to bed earlier, to take better care of myself, to reconnect with friends. I need to find a way to lend my heart without giving away my soul and my wish is that as I grow older, I will be able to handle the associated crap with grace, dignity and humour.

Bring on 2012. I am ready, but no more blindsiding please.